when is it time for couples counseling?

Has your relationship started to feel different, even if it’s hard to explain exactly what changed? Relationships can change so slowly that it’s hard to notice what’s happening until something between you just doesn’t feel the same anymore. Most couples don't end up in therapy because of one terrible fight. More often, they've been having some version of the same fights for years.

​Research has found that couples wait an average of six years after problems begin before seeking help. That's a lot of time for miscommunication to take it's toll. During this time, resentment builds up and people start avoiding certain topics because they already know how the conversation will go. Even though they may still love each other, be successful together, and have great moments, the walls start to go up, and the couple may notice a rising distance, increased conflict, reduced closeness, and feelings of isolation or of being unheard.

When a relationship is stuck.

Communication problems are one of the biggest reasons couples seek therapy, although "communication problems" can mean almost anything. A couple may avoid talking about things because it's easier than fighting. They may be keeping score without even realizing it. They may be feeling lonely, longing for more intimacy, or be feeling insecure, angry, or defensive.

The subjects might be money, sex, parenting, housework, in-laws, work, or how much time someone spends on their phone. Sometimes substance abuse or other addictions play a role. Sometimes something significant has happened, such as an affair, a job loss, illness, or loss of a family member. But there are also many couples who cannot point to one event that changed everything. Even more so, many couples may feel ashamed to be having difficulties, because on the outside everything looks great and there is no clear reason why things seem to be changing. In these cases, what brings people to therapy is simply that they miss what they used to have with each other.

And that's a great reason to come.

Relationships change as life changes.

Relationships are entities onto themselves, and every phase brings something different. Moving in together, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, infertility, or new parenthood can put enormous stress on a couple. If they decide to commit, the relationship can start to take a backseat behind work, kids, schedules and responsibilities.

Later on, life shifts again. Children grow up, careers change, and parents age. Menopause and other midlife changes affect everything from sleep to sex to how someone feels about themselves and what they want next. Parents who have been focusing on children for the past 20 years find themselves alone again with each other.

Some transitions bring couples closer. Others expose things that have been sitting under the surface for a while. Sometimes the couple just realizes that they have lost touch and that their relationship could use some attention.

Couples therapy can be helpful at any of these points. It's a place to reconnect, work through a change, or make sure the relationship doesn't get lost in everything else that's going on.

Why Gottman therapy is different.

Gottman therapy starts with a careful assessment of the whole relationship, not just the problem that brought the couple in. Each partner completes detailed questionnaires looking at friendship, intimacy, conflict, trust, commitment, shared goals and other parts of the relationship. The therapist gets a picture of what's working well, where the relationship is vulnerable, and where the couple keeps getting stuck. From there, couples learn to communicate in ways that help each of them feel heard and understood, manage conflict, support each other's goals, and build a sense of shared meaning.

For couples who have talked about the same problems over and over without getting anywhere, Gottman therapy provides a roadmap to see what you already have, what's getting in their way, and where to begin.

It usually makes sense to come sooner.

There isn't a clear measuring point at which a relationship officially becomes troubled enough for couples therapy, and waiting for that point can mean there is simply more hurt to work through. A pattern that's been happening for six months is easier to deal with than one that's been happening for six years. So is talking about loneliness while both people are still trying to reach each other, rather than after years of pulling away.

That being said, Gottman therapy can help even couples who have been growing apart for years, as long as both parties are invested and interested in reconnecting. For couples who have been together for years, Gottman Method therapy can help address what has accumulated along the way, including the most important old hurts that are still lingering. Some of those experiences can’t be repaired years later, but they can finally be heard and understood in a different way. The goal is to figure out what still needs attention, create understanding around what can’t be changed, and use that understanding to build a stronger relationship in the present. The level of connection that can be rebuilt by communication and understanding can be surprisingly strong.

Of course, couples therapy doesn't guarantee that every relationship stays together, and that may not always be the goal. Sometimes therapy helps people repair a relationship. Sometimes it helps people understand each other more clearly and make difficult decisions with more compassion and less anger or confusion.

If you and your partner keep getting pulled into the same arguments, have stopped talking about things that matter, or simply feel farther apart than either person wants to be, couples therapy can help you understand what's happening and help you to begin doing something different.
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If you are ready to make an appointment with one of our Gottman trained couples therapists, please call us at 1-800-871-5491 or email us at [email protected]. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrère, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x
Brittle, Z. (2017). How to repair the little things so they don’t become big things. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-little-things-dont-become-big-things/
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Marriage and couples research. https://www.gottman.com/blog/couples/
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The effectiveness of the Gottman Method. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/effectiveness-of-gottman-method/