Identifying and Processing Uncomfortable Emotions

by Melissa Laks, LMSW

​Why should we identify our emotions
 
Identifying our emotions and learning to manage them is one of the most important skills we can have. Feelings are powerful and can become overwhelming at times. With time and practice, we get better at knowing what we are feeling and why. This skill is called emotional awareness. Emotional awareness helps us know what we need and want (or don't want).
 
For us to deal with uncomfortable emotions, it is helpful to know exactly what we’re feeling in the first place. For example, feeling a general sad is going to be experienced differently than if you are feeling lonely. So, comforting sadness would look different then comforting loneliness.

​Being able to identify our emotions not only helps us know what to do with them, but it also helps us communicate our feelings to others. This can help you feel more grounded and help others to help you.
 
Some people are naturally more in touch with their emotions than others. The good news is, anyone can be more aware of their emotions. It just takes practice.

Why should we process our emotions?
 
Processing emotions is about learning to understand, make sense, and deal with feelings in a healthy way.
 
Learning to process emotions takes time. To process emotions, we want to identify and label the feelings present, give ourselves the time and space to feel the feeling without judgement, then decide how we are  going to handle our feelings. This may involve deciding how you will resolve the problem if you have control over it, or how you will cope with it moving forward if you don’t have control over it. 

​We have subconscious ways of avoiding uncomfortable emotions. When we avoid or suppress our feelings, we may start to feel disconnected from ourselves. The longer this pattern of feel-ignore-repeat goes on, the more your repressed feelings will build on top of each other, and the more difficult it will be to cope with.
 
There are many ways to process our emotions, but all forms of emotional processing require mindfulness,  which allows you to recognize and feel your feelings without judging yourself for having them.
 
Spend a few minutes daily, sitting quietly and focusing on your body. Try to identify what you are feeling. Use a feelings list or chart to help you identify what you might be feeling. To be able to process emotions, you first need to identify the feelings and stay with them long enough to understand them. 

Start with:

Identifying your emotions and feelings:

• What feelings do I have?
• Where in my body am I feeling it?
• Do I have any judgements on the thoughts/feeling I have?
• Am I trying to suppress/move away from these feelings? Why?

 
Next:

Stay with the emotion you’re feeling at that moment in order to process them: (tolerating difficult emotions can be hard, remember feeling always come and go, take a deep breathe in, count to five and breathe out) ask yourself:

• Is the feeling intolerable?
• How bad is it on a scale 1-10?

 
Try to understand why you are having the current feeling:

• Are there any needs that are unmet? (Do I feel disrespected, unheard, misunderstood)
• Has a boundary been overstepped by someone?
• Is this distress from a build-up of different events?
• What is contributing to this distress?
• Is this distress a result of me not accepting my feeling or judging it?

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Finally:

​Address the emotion you are feeling. 
It’s not easy to know how to deal with an emotion or feeling. It may be helpful to talk to someone whose judgement you trust.

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Some emotions are due to distorted thinking patterns, and we may need to try and re-frame our thinking in more helpful ways to release the feelings. Other times the feeling may be triggered by past events, boundaries being crossed, or needs being unmet.
 
There is no one approach that will work for everyone, so it may take some time to discover which style will work best for you. Some of the well-known ones are:

• Psychodynamic therapy
• CBT therapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
• DBT therapy (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)
• EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
• Mindfulness Meditation
• Self-Help Workbooks
• Group Therapy
• Creative outlets- including art, and writing. 

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​Learning to manage emotions takes time and is difficult to do on your own. But once you really understand your emotions, and can process them effectively, you really can transform your life.